the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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