I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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