your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
