Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
