You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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