I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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