Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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