We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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