I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
