checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
