her vagina looked like bernie madoff
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
