And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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