i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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