Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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