i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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