dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize