I accidentally had phone sex last night
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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