chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize