of course. lets lasso hookers.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
