i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
