Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
