So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
