Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have fence marks all over my body
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
