I haven't been this sober since birth.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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