I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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