Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
