and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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