I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
