I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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