she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
