I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
