Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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