I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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