My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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