Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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