K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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