...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
