Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
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