the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
