Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
