She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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