ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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