I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
