You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize