I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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