I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
