I'm sorry my penis didn't work
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
