Swine flu. Run for my life!
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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