Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
