Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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