he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize