If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
