Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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