Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
