too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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