This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
