hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
