I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
