she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
it's like heaven, but drunker
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
